My daughter screaming at daycare recently reminded me of the best manager I’ve ever had, and how his lack of bullshit led to a trust-filled and enduring relationship.

Honesty in Daycare⌗

I recently started sending my 2 year old to daycare. It’s only for 2 days a week, and it’s only for 4 hours a day, but it’s still hard on both of us; she naturally doesn’t want to leave a space in which she’s already comfortable (home), and I don’t want to feel like a monster for leaving my crying child with strangers. Life is tough sometimes.

The other day I was debating whether or not to send her in (she was in the exhausting throes of being a 2 year old), and my husband relayed a message he’d gotten the day before from the daycare’s director - we’ll call her Moira. Moira, who had spent 4 hours the day prior with my nearly constantly screaming child had looked my husband in the eyes and said, “Make sure she comes back tomorow.” It was this sentence that convinced me to send her into daycare that day.

But it wasn’t just that she was firm - it was that I trusted that Moira would not bullshit me.

I had supreme confidence that if there was any problem, Moira would have told me and given me different advice. I trusted her to be completely honest with me, and because of that I knew that if Moira said “make sure she comes back”, then I should bring her back.

Of course, this trust didn’t magically appear out of nowhere - we’d talked with Moira on multiple occasions and learned that while she held many strong opinions on working with both children and adults, she was also very honest about them (and willing to flex when the situation called for it); we’d seen her demonstrate this as well. Her honesty and clarity stuck with us, and it bred trust in her opinions.

This experience immediately reminded me of the best manager I’ve ever had.

Honesty in Management⌗

When I was starting at a small company many years ago, I was wrapped fairly thoroughly in imposter syndrome. I desperately wanted to prove myself to myself, my peers, and my new manager, and as the only woman at the time in engineering, I didn’t want to let my entire gender down (because that’s how it works, amirite?). I was constantly worried about my performance until one of my early one-on-ones with my manager. In that meeting he made it very clear to me that if I was having any performance issues he would tell me: “Don’t worry,” he smiled, “if you’re having any problems, I’ll let you know and we’ll work on it together.” I realized that I believed him - and not just believed, but trusted him. It was a sudden weight lifted off my shoulders. I knew that if I was having any problems, he wouldn’t bullshit me about it.

But just like with Moira and my crying daughter, this didn’t happen magically either. It was the time he took to get to know me, to check-in regularly, and the coaching he did when I took a misstep or just needed to learn something new. He built the trust, so when he assured me he would continue to be honest with me, I knew it was true.

So don’t bullshit your employees/reports⌗

I hadn’t thought about the meeting with my old manager in awhile, but the feeling of relief was exactly the same for both of these experiences; it was a good reminder of the importance of trust-building with the people you work with.

As a manager, being willing to take the time to build that trust and to not bullshit the people you manage will yield confident employees who in turn will be willing to be honest themselves. Honest employees will tell you sooner rather than later if they’re having problems and then work with you to resolve them. They’ll ask for what they need more transparently and listen more carefully when you give them feedback, be it positive or negative.

For the things that truly matter to you - be it your career, your child’s welfare, or anything else - trust via honesty takes time, but will ultimately build low-stress and fruitful relationships.